


The Air Was Clearing

by inner_tempest



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 05:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14254134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inner_tempest/pseuds/inner_tempest
Summary: An imagining of what happens after Adil comes to from his suicide attempt.





	The Air Was Clearing

**Author's Note:**

> This was a bit tricky to write, but I think I did okay with it. I did enjoy writing it...
> 
> The Halcyon is not mine...these boys are not mine. I get nothing from this except the fun of writing them.

My Darling Toby,

I shouldn’t open a letter like that. Not when you’re no longer mine. But either way, I need you to know I’m still yours after all this. That nothing could possibly change how much I love you. That’s why I have to do this. You hold my heart, even if I no longer hold yours. Even though I never held yours. You made that quite clear when you said what we did disgusted you…though you certainly did a good job of pretending otherwise over the past few months. And I can't even apologize for what we did. It doesn’t take away from the fact that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. You want me to disappear, and this is the only way I can think of doing so that won’t leave my heart aching forever. You’ll never have to give me another thought. I’d like if you came to my funeral, though. I don’t think there will be many people there, and I think I’ve at least earned you paying your respects.  
I love you, Toby Hamilton. Until my final breath.

Yours always,  
Adil

***

Toby’s heart stopped. He couldn’t breathe…there was an invisible chokehold around his throat. The man had to force the breaths…in and out. He pictured his lover there… _breathe for me, Toby…slowly in, and out._ But even the Adil sized part of his brain couldn’t force Toby to breath properly. Not with Adil…he couldn’t…he _couldn’t_ …this was all his Toby’s fault and he knew it. But it was just supposed to push the other man away…get him to a safe place far away from the Halcyon and Toby’s messy, secret love for him…not make him…

Not make him…

“Tom, when did he give this to you?” he tried to keep his breath steady, tried to keep the tremor from his words. Toby couldn’t let anyone in on this. Couldn’t show his panic to someone who would have no understanding of it all. Adil was staff, after all, and Toby was indirectly his boss. Maybe Tom had wondered what the letter was about. Maybe not. Toby didn’t know if it mattered at this point. As long as he could save Adil. Hopefully the letter was recent. Recent…and Toby would still have time.

“‘Bout a few hours ago.”

A few hours ago? Oh _God_ , Adil could already be gone. A few hours was more than long enough for him to do the deed and leave Toby forever. It _couldn’t_ be…the man’s heart was pounding through his whole body. Adil could already be…

Toby couldn’t think like that. Not now. Not with everything at stake.

Without a second thought, Toby took off running. He didn’t care about his nice suit, or the fact that he was no good at running, or prepared to do so all the way to Paddington. It didn’t matter that, as he ran, his breathing became uneven and shallow, or there was a stitch in his side that developed almost right away and was throbbing painfully. He pushed it all aside because it didn’t matter…because Adil could already be dead.

He could already be dead and Toby never got to tell him he loved him. Because dammit, he did…and he did so much. He never got to tell Adil that the barman _was_ his everything. The best thing that had ever happened to him. All the things he should have said a long time ago, as they had been building for _ages_ by now. But their world had imploded and Toby had to push Adil away…the words were sharp…they were meant to protect the two of them. They were meant to make it seem like Toby didn’t care. Like he was done with Adil and the man could go live his life. Toby figured Adil would get over it soon enough, despite the fact that he had told Toby he loved him. The aristocrat had still said those words.

They were a mistake.

And though they were meant to push Adil away, force him to move on, they certainly weren’t meant to drive Adil to suicide.

Even as Toby ran, terrible images filled his head. He didn’t know how Adil planned on doing it, but scores of images of Adil’s lifeless body passed in front of his eyes. _No, no, no…not before I get to tell you I love you_. Toby ran faster. He had been to the other man’s apartment a handful of times and remembered how to get there easily enough. The images in his head spurred him to run faster, no matter how painful it was, no matter how out of breath he was. Because the pain of losing Adil would be…so much worse.

He kept thinking about the note in his pocket. _“‘Bout a few hours ago.”_

“I’m not too late,” Toby huffed between painful breaths, trying to convince himself. _“God_ , I’ll do anything to not be too late…” and he knew it was the truth. Even if Adil never wanted to see him again…as long as he was alive…

There was no time to stop to breathe as he reached Adil’s building, Toby took the steps as fast as he could, stopping outside of Adil’s door. “Adil!” he pounded on the door. “Adil!”

In the back of his mind, Toby knew he shouldn’t have the strength to knock in the door, but that couldn’t stop him. There was an intense adrenaline coursing through his body as he went in for the kill. He put everything he had into it, slamming the door with his shoulder. On the second slam, the door crashed opened, the smell of the gas instantly overwhelming Toby’s senses. He kept repeating Adil’s name as he turned the valve to off, coughing as he thoughtlessly grabbed Adil’s body, cradling it against his own. He laid him out on the steps outside the apartment.

Toby didn't know how long the gas had been on for. He knew it could be too late by now. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try to wake Adil up. Maybe he was going to get lucky with this one. _He won’t want you_ , a voice persisted in Toby’s head. _I don’t care, as long as he’s alive_ , another voice persisted.

He wasn’t entirely sure how to do this, so Toby just went with his instincts. “Come on…” he mumbled, gently patting the other man’s face. “Come on…”

Adil was pale and unresponsive, but Toby was pretty sure he wasn’t dead. Hopefully the shallow breathing he perceived from Adil wasn’t just in his imagination.

“I didn’t mean it,” the tears were welling in his eyes as he cradled Adil’s face, his teardrops falling on his lover’s face. “I didn’t mean it, I love you…”

Something triggered…Adil jolted slightly, starting to cough. Toby took that to mean his lungs were clearing…he was alive. Toby was crying hysterically but silently, more tears dripping onto Adil’s face. He buried his face in the other’s shoulder. “Oh God, I thought I’d lost you…”

The two men embraced, Adil’s arms weak around Toby’s chest…but he was moving, and he was holding him and coughing and _alive_.

Toby could feel the coughs quaking through Adil’s body, resonating through his own body as he held the other man tight. He wouldn’t let go…he _couldn’t_ let go. Although Adil’s embrace was weak, Toby’s was strong, willing his frantic energy through his lover.

Pulling back slightly, Toby looked down at Adil. His face was pale and the coughs still wracked him, but it wasn’t a deterrent. If Toby had his way, he would never let go. They could lay like this forever, Adil in his arms. There were still tears. Because Adil was alive, coughing life back through his body. And even if he _did_ decide he never wanted to see Toby again, he was here. He was alive. He could go on living his life. Toby just prayed he hadn’t destroyed his chance to be a part of that life…with the man he loved so much.

The pain from Toby’s run was nearly gone…he hadn’t even noticed in his rush to save Adil. He still had a bit of a stitch in his side, but it seemed like nothing compared to everything else before him. Toby looked at Adil’s face carefully, thinking of all the time he had spent memorizing that face. In his head, the feel beneath his fingertips. It looked pained now…but it was still Adil.

“You can’t leave me,” Toby finally cried, breaking the moment of no vocals, stroking Adil’s cheek. “You’re not allowed to leave me…”

Adil was still coughing, his whole body shaking. “Toby-”

“Shh…just breathe…” Toby was breathing the other man in. “Don’t talk,” he pressed a light kiss to Adil’s forehead. “Just breathe.”

The coughing was easing up, or so Toby thought. Hopefully that wasn’t just wishful thinking. He held tight to Adil, peppering kisses wherever he could reach. The barman’s first shaky breaths without coughing were music to Toby’s ears. He glanced into the one room flat, disentangling himself to go open a window. There was no way he could leave Adil on the stairs.

After what seemed like an eternity, he judged the air okay to breathe and carefully picked Adil up, laying him on the bed.

Toby didn't especially want to…not with the image of Adil laying there so close to lifeless. But it would be comfiest for now. Toby sat beside him, running his fingers through the other man’s hair.

“You told me to disappear,” Adil finally said hoarsely. The words struck like a dagger through Toby’s heart.

A strangled sob came from deep within Toby’s soul. “To protect you. To protect myself. I didn’t…I could _never-_ ”

“You said-”

“I know what I said,” Toby said, barely above a whisper, feeling so lost. Hopeless. _God_ …after all this…if Adil couldn’t forgive him…

The problem was Adil _shouldn’t_ forgive him.

“But I know I can’t do this without you,” the tears were falling freely again. “I love you, Adil. I’ve been such a fool.”

Adil started coughing again. Toby leapt up, finding a glass and filling it up. He helped Adil sit, handing the glass to him. The man sipped the water slowly, carefully. Toby couldn’t tear his eyes away. If this was his last night with Adil, he had to memorize everything about the other man. It wasn’t ideal, but if Adil didn’t want him…

The color was returning to Adil’s face, making Toby breathe a bit easier. Of course, he knew they weren’t out of the woods just yet, but they were getting closer.

Along with the open window came a cold wintry breeze. Toby could see Adil shivering, so he helped him up, settling him under the covers of his bed. The man curled in slightly while Toby stood awkwardly by the bed. He had no idea what he was allowed to do right now, although every fiber of his being was screaming to get into bed with Adil. To hold him, just the two of them until the world ended. He was still in his fancy clothing, and none of it felt right. Finally, the man undid his bowtie set it aside along with his jacket. Looking back to Adil, Toby took some deep breaths, just watching. How _bad_ he wanted to be in that little bed, too. But all he could do was stand hesitantly, just watching Adil from here. After a few moments, he was almost sure his lover was asleep, but then Adil lifted the covers. Toby almost missed the weak, muffled, “Get in.”

The two words echoed through Toby’s head, giving him some degree of hope. Maybe Adil _could_ forgive him. Not that he deserved it, but maybe…after they were able to talk and process…both men had shown their vulnerability tonight. In different ways, but in some ways, their words were some of the honest they had ever been. Of course, it pained Toby that this was what it had taken.

Kicking off his shoes, Toby got under the covers with Adil. The bed was tiny, but they lay close, facing each other. Hesitantly, Toby wrapped an arm around the other man. The man didn’t stop him.

“I thought…I thought…” Toby choked out, suddenly feeling even smaller and even more vulnerable than before. “If I could just… _convince_ you that I…”

“Toby-”

“And…and all I could think of while I was running here was…was that I never got to tell you I love you,” Toby’s voice cracked. The pain was back in his heart, and tears were burning at the corner of his eyes again.

“Toby-”

“Because I _do_ love you, Adil. I love you so much it scares me. Thinking I lost you…” the tears were falling from Toby’s eyes again. “And I’ve known it for so long. Since that day I thought I lost you to the bomb near Paddington. I was a coward. I’ve _been_ such a coward…I couldn’t just _say_ it…”

_“Toby-”_

“And all those things I said-”

“Stop talking, Toby.”

Toby shut his mouth, eyes meeting with Adil’s. Adil pressed a light kiss to his mouth. It was quick and chaste, but the meaning was clear. Both men were crying, but they were there…together. Just as they were meant to be.

“Please forgive me,” Toby whispered. “I know it’ll take some time to get back to normal- our normal- but don’t make me go on without you. I can’t _do_ this without you. I know I’ve been an idiot, but-”

“Oh, Toby…” the ghost of a smile played on Adil’s still pale lips. “It would be easier to rip out my heart than go on without you.”

His dark eyes shined…exhaustion and fear and love and…forgiveness. Some things Toby wasn’t entirely sure he even deserved. Of course Toby knew they had a lot to rebuild…he knew he had done a lot of damage with his words. It would take time, but he would never let Adil go another moment without knowing Toby loved him with every bit of his being. But the _current_ important part was that he hadn’t lost the man he loved. Not physically. Not emotionally. Toby knew after the past few days, it was a marvel he hadn’t. Apparently the God he didn’t necessarily believe in was watching out for him.

And truly, Toby felt like he didn’t deserve Adil…he _knew_ he didn’t deserve Adil. Especially after everything he had said. His lover should hate him. Refuse forgiveness. Leave Toby behind.

Adil cuddled closer into Toby’s embrace. Toby could feel tears pricking at his eyes again and held him tighter. “I’m staying the night,” Toby whispered thickly. “You should sleep.”

Both men knew that wasn’t going to happen for either of them.

“Kiss me.”

This kiss was different from the earlier one…in some ways, it was different from every kiss the two had shared before…slow and deep and passionate, but also intense and slightly messy, as if it was all new. Maybe in a way it was…with everything that had happened over the past few days, Toby and Adil had a good amount to rediscover. The kiss came as naturally as the hundreds that had become before, but there was something new as well. Tonight was…a turning point. Toby was still thinking about what he said…finding Adil so close to dead. The tears, the declarations of love. Adil’s forgiveness. _Forgiveness_. It all came pouring out as they kissed and kissed. The men’s limbs tangled together, neither wanting to pull back. After some time, Adil had to separate as another coughing fit came on. Toby just held him close, stroking his hair. “Later,” Toby promised softly.

In some ways, Toby and Adil were starting over. The past few days haunted both of them already…and Toby knew it was only going to get harder once they talked about Adil’s suicide attempt. There was so much to discuss, talks they would have to have to get things back to their “normalcy”. But everything was on the table now. Toby had admitted his love, matched with his lover’s. And even the rebuilding of their relationship had _that_ much to start with. In some ways, it didn’t seem like very much. In other ways, it felt like an incredibly strong basis to get things started with.

But right now, they were _here_ …Adil was _alive_ …and Toby had finally been able to tell Adil he loved him. Almost too late, but he had been gifted another chance. Next time his mother dragged him to church, Toby would send up some sort of thanks. It didn’t matter to him that his love was unlawful…that the Bible said it was a sin. How could it _possibly_ be a sin…something so strong and pure. As far as Toby was concerned, loving Adil wasn’t _wrong_ …it wasn’t a _sin_.

All of this…all the cards on the table…it was all a good base for a new start.

The two men lay in bed together, facing each other. Adil wasn’t coughing as much, just a little here and there. The window remained open and Adil’s small flat was freezing cold, but neither man seemed to care. For the first time in ages, though it was just a few days really, Toby and Adil felt warm again, wrapped in each other’s arms…right where they belonged. Toby wasn’t thinking of anything else…not his mother or D’Abberville or the fiftieth party going on at the hotel. All that mattered to him was that he was with the man he loved, who was _not_ dead…possibly by some divine intervention. Right now, it was just Toby and Adil, curled up in Adil’s tiny bed, gazing into each other’s eyes with some secret language passing between the two of them.

Toby kissed Adil feather lightly. “I love you, Adil,” Toby whispered against Adil’s lips.

“I love you too, Toby.”

Even in a world that would never accept them, Toby and Adil were ready to move forward. Together. Because nothing else _really_ mattered. The two of them would get through, because that was what people did when they were in love.

The air was clearing…

In more ways than one.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments my stories have been getting!  
> I would love some constructive feedback for an idea of how I'm doing. :P


End file.
